This evening I was cooking dinner, watching my children play outside with their friends. They were laughing, running around, going from toy to toy. This is the life I wanted for them. To be happy, carefree, and safe. I can count the number of times that I have felt happy, carefree, or safe in the last nine years. I’m glad those days are over. I truly believed that I would never be happy again, that I would always carry around this weight of embarrassment, disappointment, and pain. Words cannot even express the feeling that I have knowing that my worst days are behind me. I’m happy again. I smile often. How did I get here? I chose to think differently. To react differently. To see my future differently. And to not let anyone else’s actions dictate my feelings. We can leverage the good and joyful things in our lives, to re-teach our brains how to embrace joy again. And that is exactly what I did. Do I still have bad moments? Absolutely, I acknowledge my feelings, look for the source of those feelings, and then I choose to move on with my day. But today is the first day that I realized that I’m living what I prayed for, and for that I am grateful.
My Prayer
Lord, I pray for restoration, reconciliation, healing, friendship, and community. I want things to change in some way for the better. Lord, I ask that You would step into every difficult situation and bring peace.It’s all too big for me to handle on my own. I need Your help and Your wisdom. Your strength and Your peace.
Fear: (noun) an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that there is danger or a threat; (verb) to be afraid of something that is perceived dangerous, painful or threatening.
Fear… fear can be paralyzing, making you stay in places that you know you shouldn’t, making it difficult to act or function properly, causing you to go to extreme lengths to avoid anything that triggers your fear. You create elaborate excuses and put off handling anything that produces fear.
That’s where I found myself, creating a storyline for my life that I could deal with and use to keep myself from facing my fears. The fear of not being accepted, the fear of rejection, the fear of not living up to others perception of me; the latter being my greatest fear. I let fear consume me to the point that I was only doing things that pleased others so that they would like me, accept me, and not judge me; and I was miserable. But I couldn’t let anyone know that because I feared what they would think of me. Fear made me stay in a relationship that I knew was not good for me. I became a shrunken version of myself. I lived in fear the duration of the relationship; fear for my life, fear for the consequences of my actions, fear of how this would impact my children, but mostly fear of judgement from others. I imagined people saying “look at her… all those kids…no dad around…she had so much potential…look at her life.” I let those thoughts feed my fear and it left me paralyzed until my shift came and forced me to face everything that I was afraid of.
” Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”
George Addair
I had to face my greatest fear… (why did this have to happen to me? what will people think of me? how can I face my family?) The shift in my life was the push that I needed to face my fears. My fears were forced out into the open and I couldn’t run anymore. I had to address it, overcome it, and use this experience to learn a lesson. I gained strength in examining the root of fears and it turns out it was not the fear of judgement from people, but my own thoughts about myself. I knew that I deserved better, I knew that I shouldn’t have to stay and deal with the things that I did, but I had been conditioned to believe that I didn’t deserve better, that I was unworthy of the things that I desired for myself and my family. I had been fed lies and those lies fed my fear. But thank God for the shift, my eyes were opened. This is my breakthrough, I deserve and will get everything that I desire, I will move on and heal, and I will use this lesson to help others. “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Fears are nothing than a state of mind. Changing your state of mind and beliefs takes practice. Beliefs are just practiced thoughts, so practice faith and self-control. Make a conscious effort to replace fear with another powerful state of mind, love. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve all things good and believe that good things will come to pass.
Shift: (noun) a change in position caused by an exerted force; (verb) cause to move from one place to another.
October 3 – midnight: my ENTIRE world shifted. In a matter of seconds the universe snatched away the two people I loved and trusted the most. Betrayal in the most intimate way (that is LONG story for another time). I cried endlessly for days. Believing that my life was over, that all that I was working towards and wanted in my life would never be accomplished. After all without those two what was my purpose in life. For the last 5 years I had fully dedicated my life to their needs and wants, totally neglecting my own needs and wants because that’s what you do for the people you love, right?
Sometimes the universe conspires on our behalf which seems insurmountable in the moment may end up being one of life’s greatest blessing.
– Dang Nguyen
As the days passed, I sat and thought about how I had let my life become so controlled by others. I had let others dictate almost all aspects of my life. Nothing in my life was really done to benefit me. It was during those times that I came to the realization that this “great tragedy” was in fact my way out of a life that was not for me. It was time for me to make a change. I had to shift my focus. This shift in my universe upset some of the people closest to me because now the purpose I served in their lives was no longer being met. I am losing attachments to all things that are no longer serving my Higher purpose and I couldn’t be happier. It’s time to get back to me. I have spent everyday since shifting; removing negativity, surrounding myself with those that see and accept me without my guards up, living and unapologetically living on the ledge.
Shifting as a person can put you in a place of discomfort. But nothing can be moved without a force. You may be pulled away from some things or people and pushed towards others. The important thing to remember is you’re being shifted for a reason. Release what no longer serves you and be receptive of that which does.
Life on the Ledge 